Sunday, September 29, 2013


Why is it that I feel so guilty for devoting time to research? I think I will sit down and work on something, and then I keep postponing it throughout the day because of housework, or cooking, or because of some urgent, pressing need to ensure that my children have done their studies well and thoroughly.

My research is like late night coffee - always after dinner, after putting the kids to bed, after taking out and arranging things (bag, breakfast stuff, etc.) ready for the next (early) morning, lingering on till hours after midnight, lingering on in the dark circles under my eyes, and in the nameless irritations that plague me through the day/s when I have not slept well during the night/s.

And this time, the coinicidence of my daughter's relatively average performance in the semster exam in many subjects coming at the same time as the start of my doctoral proposal has not helped matters any.

I feel crushed by some awful sense of guilt, all the more depressing because I alone cannot lift this fog of misery (my daughter has to do her bit to study more and do her bit), because I cannot help but feel that perhaps I should have sat with her  more (instead of telling her to study on her own), because I cannot push away the feeling that it is partially my fault.

So, so, so....

The rocky road seems bleaker.....

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